A Year in Retrospective- what went wrong?

There’s this thing people usually do at the end of every year- we get overly excited about new goals, resolutions, fresh starts, dreams of a better year; dreams of becoming a whole new person, changing into a superhero from one year to the next.

I’ve been doing this for, I’d say, most of my life, and the older I get the more I realize- it simply does not work.

I mean yes I try working out regularly. Sometimes I do it daily, sometimes I don’t do it for 3 months in a row cause it’s summer and in summertime, I do other things. Yes I try saving money and sometimes it works, other times I spend all of it on a trip I couldn’t afford. Yes I stopped dating people just for the sake of having company. I might still fall for the regular fuckboy every now and then when caught off guard, but mostly, I never even think of dating. Yes I try working on my Spanish; I may not do it for 4 months in a row, but I do end up in Spain for 2 weeks on a Spanish-only verbal commitment. No I did not score a job as a UX designer in Madrid but I did get hired as an interior designer in Amsterdam.

Because life happens. Wishes change. Goals may even change from one month to the next. And that’s ok. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to check all my New Year’s resolutions off the list and that’s fine. As long as at the end of the year you can summarize the goods and the bads and get a healthy balance out of it, you’re on track.

Or am I….?

And yet, I can’t help but feel some sort of dissatisfaction. Some sort of missed opportunity. Can’t help but feel like I ‘wasted’ another year not following my….you know, my hidden goals.

You know, the ones that are so deeply hidden they don’t even get a spot on the resolution list. The ones that seem so hard to attain they’re not even worth mentioning. The ones I’ve managed to label in my head, somehow, over the years, as impossible goals, simply cause they’ve been there for so long and I’ve taken such little action to make them happen. Left there floating around in the sphere of unused ideas, with all the other daily newcomers that will never make it out.

I’ve been dreaming about writing professionally since I was a kid, and yet can’t seem to make space in my life to write in any other place than in my hidden notebooks and my iPhone's note app.

I’ve been fascinated with the idea of content creation since the rise of YouTube, I’m obsessed with instastories, have made online friends and yet never dared make a god damn YouTube video. Even though I’ve been documenting my every move since my first Nokia with a camera. Since then I moved to a foreign country on my own at 19 and had the opportunity of living in 4 amazing European cities, never out of adventures. I’ve met so many inspiring people who‘ve taught me things and helped me grow, and yet I never dared ask them to give me their input on camera.

I have seen my thoughts sliding back to these ideas so many times, in big moments or in unimportant moments, and I have seen myself shutting them off cause it wasn’t the right time. Newsflash: it’s NEVER the right time.

Truth is, it’s not even about time. Or money, or inspiration. There’s always one thing pushing it off: fear.

Fear, the oldest ‘trick’ in the book. Fear, that immortal enemy you keep bumping into in life, that kicks your ass every now and then but makes you feel recharged as hell afterwards. Fear, the beauty and the beast. Fear, my secret lover. How could I let you play me again? Thought we’ve worked on our relationship. Thought we’re doing good. Turns out, you’ve been playing me all along.

Yes I have grown tired of useless New Year’s resolutions that don’t get me anywhere. Tired of playing it small. Tired of not daring. Tired of being afraid.

This year, I’ll have a different approach to my New Year’s resolutions.

  1. Name all the things you secretly wish to do but never dared.
  2. Kick fear in the ass.
  3. Do it.

Start small. But just do it already. No one has time to laugh at you cause everyone’s busy minding their own miserable lives.

Life is short and meaningless. So why not make the most of it.

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